Does that guy have a Visa?

Thats right folks, its the International Free Agent Update which will now be a regular component of The Plumpy Times!!!!!!111

Top recent Intl FA:

Ramon Nakano Pittsburgh Wannabes Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Inchon, KR Position(s): LF/1B/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

1. Ramon Nakano an 18 year old LF signed out of Inchon, Korea by thePittsburgh Wannabes for a WHOPPING 15 million dollars is the top Intl signed so far. Nakano projects to be an excellent hitter. With very good contact and power plus strengths versus both left and right handed pitchers Nakano looks to hit for a high average with 30+ HRs. Nakano also moderate speed, with slightly above average baserunning abilities you can exect anywhere form 10-25 SB a season.

Verdict : Good Signing

Carlos DeLeon Texas Black Lightning Age: 19 B/T: L/L Born: Laguna Verde, DO Position(s): RF/1B/LF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

2. Carlos DeLeon is a 19 year old RF signed out of Laguna Verde in the Dominican Republic by the Texas Black Lightning for 7 million dollars. DeLeon projectes to be one of the best contact hitters in the game with very little power. One huge knock on DeLeon is the fact that he struggles to see the ball out of either right or left handed pitchers glove resulting in sporadic results. Once the ball is out of the glove though, your going to have an extremely tough time striking him out as he projects to having one of the best eyes in the game. DeLeon also has 60+ SB potential in him as he has great speed and is a phenominal base runner.

Verdict : Good Signing (If he can overcome his weakness vs L and R handed pitchers)


Slight Chance Of ML Impact:

The Atlanta Shockers signed 19 year old pitcher Gill Tamura for 1.9 million out of Japan. Tamura projects to be an average pitcher across the board. Very similar to Tamura is the Kansas City Monarchs signing of 18 year old pitcher Pedro Rincon of the Dominican Republic who projects to be average across the board. Rincon signed for 600K.

Verdict : Okay Signings (More than likely both are roster fillers for a AAA team, neither have a real chance at the bigs)

NL South Preview

The long overdue preview of the NL SOuth if finally here!!

OFFSEASON


The Jacksonville Alcoholics have had a very quite offseason this year. Besides a few minor league signings GM frankum felt his returning squad was more than adequate to go for back to back division championships. Jacksonville did arbitrate with several players including: Zeus Thurman, Dan Clayton, George Reuschel, and Glenn Carlyle all being signed to one year deals.

The Montgomery Burns had quite a busy offseason making several huge trades and even a few FA signings. GM tjack stated that "a one season break from pure division dominance was way too long, and that it was once again time to take the team back to its rightful place atop the division." joing the Burns as FA are: 4 Time All Star Henry Ulrich, Tony Ward who had a recent power surge leading some to speculate he is juicing, and finally Herbert Widger who retuns to the Burns after a less than impressive season 12. Coming to the Burns in trades include: 7 time All Star stud catcher Lonny Griffin coming over from Trenton, Jose Martin a 3 Time All Star and once a Gold Glove winner coming over from Boston, slick fielding CF a 7 time Gold Glove winner and a threat every season Oswaldo Escobar coming back to Montgomery byway of Chicago, Elvis Ramirez who has been primarily as a reliever over his career but now in the Burns rotation coming from Philadelphia, 40 HR threat Francisco Alvarez coming in from Cleveland, relievers Clayton Philips and C.J. Riggs coming into to vastly improve the bull pen by way of Texas, and last but not least top SS prospect Tike Burks in from Portland.

The Richmond Tyrants like the Alchies were relatively quiet this offseason. The Tyrants did make a several FA signings including: Enrique Ozuna, recent first time All Star Victor Lopez, 40 HR, 100 RBI threat Blake May, William Kyung, Rick Neill, Mark Coleman, Tony Mendoza and a few mor epieces to the puzzle. GM bwb has almost rebuilt the entire pitching staff completly looking to take the next step and over take either Jax or the Burns.

The Tampa Bay Pirates made a couple of trades netting a few minor leaguers who may or may not make appearances in the ML. Those minor leaguers include Thom Karl and Julian Amaro who both could see ML time this year depending on injuries. Amaro is a future defensive stud, while Karl seems ot be nothing more than a stop gap. The Pirates also made a few FA signings this offseason including: Tommy Paulson, Todd Thomas who could make a very servicable SU man, and Rico Cairo who is a great defensive SS and will contend for the Gold Glove. Also joining the Pirates form AAA include once highly touted prospect but now a journeyman Steven Hiljus and Jorge Herrera.

PROJECTED STANDINGS/LINEUPS

1. Montgomery Burns

The Montgomery Burns feature not just one of the best lineups in all of Plumpy, but best teams. Expect the Burns to reclaim 1st place from the Alcoholics this season and a 1st round bye in the playoffs.

C - Lonny Griffin a perrenial .300+, 20 HR threat every season at catcher and is arguably the best catcher.

1B - Todd Ford is a 5 time MVP and one of if not the best players in all of Plumpy.

2B - Sid Nelson is a high batting average 2B perfect for the leadoff who will steal upwards of 50 SB per season. Just the player the Burns need to get the offense going every game.

SS - Ariel Sosa Although Sosa is not the ideal player for the SS position, his combination of contact, power, and speed make him a 5 tool player who any team would gladly have at SS.

3B - Tony Ward Is a good bat to have at the end of the lineup. Has no problem batting against lefties or righties, but with some power and lacking real contact abilities Ward could have either a great season or a bad season. Only time will tell.

LF - Francisco Alvarez Another big power bat int he Burns lineup, Alvarez looks to provide some big RBIs this season. Alvarez is a sleeper for not just the team but league MVP.

CF - Oswaldo Escobar a slick fielding CF who is not the best hitter, but his fielding will mor ethan makeup for that. Gold glove potential winner.

RF - Walter Newfield is the young buck in this lineuyp as he is several years younger than the rest of his counterparts. Newfield has tons of speed and is very good contact hitter.

Rotation - The Burns rotation features ace Sandy Mieske along with 4 other high control pitchers with good splits. Mieske,Jose Martin, and Elvis Ramirez are al Cy Young threats while the others are no slocuhes either.

Bull Pen - On the backs of Martin Ramirez, C.J. Riggs, and Clayton Philips the Burns feature a formidable pen.





2. Jacksonville Alcoholics

Like their division rivals, the Alcoholics feature one of the better lineups in Plumpy. Although I expect Jax to finish just behind Montgomery, the Alcoholics will win one of the wild cards spots for the playoffs.

C - Warren Davenport An average hitter, but Davenport knows how to call a game pretty well. He will help the pitching staff out alot this season.

1B - Jamie Rodgers an above average hitting 1B who will hit anywhere from 25 to 40+ HRs and drive in around 100 Rbis. Not bad at all.

2B - Dan Clayton One of the better hitting 2B in the entire league. This guy will go for .330+ and hit at least 30 HRs a season.

SS - Zeus Thurman He may not be the ideal SS, but what he lacks in the field he will make up with his bat. A .300 hitter with 20 HRs to boot not too bad out of your SS.

3B - Rolando Guerrero The theme of very good hitters in this lineup continues as we get to arguably the best on the team. With 30+ HR power, and batting well over .300 this is a guy you want batting in the 1st inning.

LF - Ron Puffer If you want a clean up hitter, this is your man. Puffer is a guy who can hit 50+ HR and carry your team through the playoffs. Look out for Puffer to be a MVP candidate this season.

CF - Virgil Belliard A solid fielding CF who isnt going to wow you with the stick, but will provide a good bat at the end of the lineup.

RF - Antonio Whang Continues the long line of good Alcoholic hitters. Whang has very good power, and a very good eye. He wont K much and will draw a bunch of BB.

Rotation - The Alchies throw a SP at you every game who can shut down completely every game. Led by aces George Reuschel and Howard Fasano. If your loking for a weak spot in this rotation, keep looking.

Bull Pen - Eugene Hynes is a dominant closer as any in this league. the Alchies also feature Jason Lo Duca and Gene Costello to set it up for Hynes. Dont expect many BSV out of this pen.





3. Richmond Tyrants

Were a very good team last season and benefitted from the down Montgomery year, but the ressurgence of the Burns expect the Tyrants to drop back to 3rd place. By no means expect them to stink, they may even challenege for a wild card spot this season. Ultimately they will fall short of the playoffs losing out to one of the NL west teams for a WC spot.

C - Virgil Sheldon Has some good power but not a very good pictch calling catcher. The book is still open on Sheldon/

1B - David Rojas A very good hitter with good contact and power, with a great eye to boot. you could get anywhere form 25 to 40 Hr and a .300 BA out of Rojas.

2B - Enrique Ozuna is an average hitter witha great eye and speed. He is one of the guys who could do bad, or really good.

SS - Yorvit Torrealba Is a below average fielding SS, and besides his good power Torrealba looks to bat for a low average. Needless to say there are better options at SS. Although Torreable playing SS is not set in stone.

3B - Peter Chong Is young and has great power, good contact, and can hit against lefties or righties. Chong also has great speed and could be a 20-30+ SB threat.

LF - Felipe Cedeno The most powerful hitter in the lineup, Cedeno is a big tyime HR threat, who is posied for a big time season as his ability to hit both L and R is good.

CF - Lorenzo Garza A very good fielding CF in Garza. Would be best used ina platoon role vs R. Garza can hit for power, and has a great eye.

RF - Blake May Another power hitter in the lineup who looks to provide 35+ HR and 100+ RBI. A very good FA signing by the Tyrants thi syear.

Rotation - Led by ace Philip Reed the Tyrants have a solid pitching staff. Dion Forrest and Rick Neill look to have big years if they can provied 6 innings a game.

Bull Pen - The bull pen is solid but with a two guys with low stamina it could be tough to keep the SU and Cl rested when needed all the time.






4. Tampa Bay Pirates

Tampa Bay has struggled over the years to compeet in this tough division. And their dtruggles willonly continue this season. The pitching staff leaves alot to be desired. While the lineup has few bright spots.

C - Cesar Barrios One of the best young pitch calling catchers in the game. Barrios also hits for contact very well and very good vs righties.

1B - Chuck Robertson The man can hit for power plain and simple. He crushes lefties, and is good versus righties. A good year would include 35+ HRs and a .290+ BA

2B - Carlos Rios A below average hitter, not expected to carry a high average or hit many HRs. If small ball is oyur game, then Rios is your man. he can bunt like no toher, and has very good speed and BR abilities.

SS - Kimera Pressley Although having great range, and arm, Pressely has a slightly below average glove which could hurt a bit. Pressely does not hit many Hrs and is a below average contact hitter, but is another very good bunter in the lineup.

3B - Desi Nunez A good contact hitter, and very good versus righties. Nunez does have some pop but not much, and is also a decent hitter versus lefties.

LF - Kiki Campos is by far the best power hitter in the lineup. He could easily go for 50-60 HRs. Holding Campos back his is his lack of discipline. In the end he is a liability to the lineup regardless of his immense power.

CF - Steven Hiljus A below average center fielder defensively, who has below average contact, but slightly above average power. Hiljus does have good ability to hit Vs L and R handed pitchers and a decent eye.

RF - Sean Parris Like Hiljus, Parris has good discipline versus lefties and righties with a good eye also. Parris does hit for contact and power decent so you can expect a .280+ BA and 15-25 HRs

Rotation - TB has possibly the worst rotation in the league. Staff ace Edgar Pascual is a decent pitcher but he wont be winning any cy Youngs. Tony Rijo has potential to have a good year, but his ability to get leftie sout hurts those chance alot. After the first two pitchers the Pirates take a HUGE drop in quality. William Wang, P.J. Bush, and Dee Mathews round the rotation out. None of the three can get lefties or righties out. Bush and Matthews belong in HiA, yet they are starting in the ML. Which has the fans BEGGING management to call up minor leaguers Avila, Hasagewa, Parish, Presely, and Sierra. The 5 would drastically improve this team.

Bull Pen - The bright spot int he pitchers include closer Willie Winn and SU man Rafael Ortiz who look to get alot of work this yera in relief.


THATS ALL FOLKS

A Brown Bear by any other name...

... is now a Needlefish.

After scouting Louisville's squad and seeing the non-renewal of highly productive (but defensively unversatile) left fielder Juan Uribe's contract, Needlefish management shuffled its roster and signed Uribe for the season at a bargain basement price of $1.3 million.

While happy to latch on with a new team, Uribe is reportedly dissapointed that the Brown Bears are nowhere to be find on Norfolk's schedule. In his introductory press conference, Uribe was seen weeping and muttering, "I want smash bradleydog en la cabeza con mi Louisville Slugger muy, muy hard, the son of a pig!"

Louisville officials could not be reached for comment.

EAT THE WRATH OF URIBE, SUCKAS!

Juan Uribe Norfolk Needlefish Age: 32 B/T: R/R Born: San Pedro de Macoris, DO Position(s): LF/CIF/RF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Season 13 Preview: Louisville Brown Bears

Goldilocks scampered through the forest, weary and bored, eager to encounter some new woodland friends. Bears had provided her with such joy in the past, and oh how she loved their tasty porridge (when the hairy beasts didn't prepare it scalding hot or freezing cold)! However, she took a wrong turn and became hopelessly lost. It seems she had accidentally dropped her compass earlier in the day while being chased by some angry wolverines whose den she had squatted in. Wolverines, much like Jacksonville gm frankum, were such assholes when angered!

Wandering along the shoulder of northbound I-65, she skipped and pranced along, singing a happy little song, "TRA LA LA LA!" as drunken hillbillies passed by in pickup trucks, shouting obscenities and pelting her with empty whisky bottles. Finally she happened upon a large domed edifice large enough to house several hundred bear dens! A large sign hung over the entryway. "Snzorg, slinkum doojabbizam," she mouthed as she eyed the sign for Louisville Slugger Stadium. She, like most Kentuckians, was illiterate. But she did see a drawing of a large brown bear wearing a baseball cap and knew that she must investigate.

Furtively darting under the turnstile, she eluded a geriatric security guard and made her way into the heart of the stadium, pilfering a king-sized corn dog and Cherry Coke along the way.

Then she saw the most wondrous sight! Facing a 3-2 count with two on, Brown Bears first baseman Marvin Goldstein reared back and whacked the payoff pitch deep into the centerfield stands to send Louisville ahead by one. She was impressed with Goldstein's power, and would be moreso had she known that the previous season he had paced the Brown Bears with 52 homers, outslugging rightfielder Steve Myatt (41), third baseman Pedro Tarraga (23), and outfielders Juan Uribe (23) and Robin Lamb (22). Surely Goldstein was the heart and soul of the Brown Bears offensive attack, Goldi would have thought were she not too busy picking her nose and rifling through the belongings of an elderly baseball fan who had unwisely left her purse unattended.

Goldi was unaware that the Brown Bears attack was just north of average at best and would be discernibly subpar if not for Goldstein's presence. Sure, Myatt, Lamb, and Tarraga provided good support, but offensively inept performances by Jacque Brock at second base and Nick Hudson at shortstop kept Louisville's offense from firing on all eight cylinders. And who would fill the gaping hole in the lineup created by Juan Uribe bolting Kentucky when they inexplicably refused to sign him to a new contract? .325/.405/.550 hitters don't grow on trees, right? Even morally bankrupt, thieving little scamps know that.

"These sure aren't like any bears I've ever seen, they are a peculiar lot!" Goldilocks mused as she indiscriminately hacked loogies on the unsuspecting heads of lower deck patrons.

But actually, she was wrong. These Brown Bears were very much like every squad of Brown Bears that came before them. They were distinctly average. With offensive production slightly above the league mean, pitching output slightly below the league mean, and fielding statistics right at the league average, the pride of Louisville were surely cruising for yet another season of hovering right around .500 ball, a position they had found themselves in for several straight seasons. Bad enough to consistently miss the playoffs, but good enough to draft in a position where the impact players had already been selected, the Brown Bears had stagnated.

Things weren't all doom and gloom on Louisville's mound though. Starters Floyd Charlton and season 12 acquisition Heywood Lloyd (obtained from Montreal at the cost of some nice prospects) were certainly above average. But most of the rest of the staff was comprised of a conglomeration of marginal major leaguers drawing outsized contracts (not individually ridiculous, but collectively cumbersome.)

Goldilocks innately sensed that this team was destined to finish in the middle of the NL East pack and quickly grew bored with this silly game the poseur bears were playing. And when Goldilocks grows bored, bad things happen. She slowly drew her fully loaded, semi-automatic Glock 9 from the cape-obscured holster at her side...

Season 13 Preview: Chicago Cubs

In a city rich in sports tradition and achievement, are the much beleaguered Cubbies prepared to break through and add another trophy to Chitown's considerable collection?

Perhaps. They do stand in the upper tier of NL teams, but if they do, they're doing it with offense and pitching be damned!

Greenpeace flips its eco-terrorist bird in Chicago's general direction, as several large forests were raized to stock all the wood in the Cubbies lumberyard. Kenter returns all 8 starting position players from a squad whose offense stood head and shoulders above the rest of the league. Power is the name of the game in Chitown, and so it shall remain unless returning MVP is decapitated in a freak shaving accident. In addition to Hackman's 70 dingers, starting 2B Mark Spehr smashed 52, C Alejandro Romano 42, LF Bruce Richardson 33, and CF Dee Perez 32. Along with the rest of the starters (only one -- lightweight pansy-boy shortstop David Gomez -- hit less than 20) the season 12 Cubs led the league with 306 homers and also topped the charts in batting average and on-base percentage.

Injuries could prove problematic for this team, as beyond speedster reserve Paul Kerr, the bench is about seven shades of suck. Kenter did call up suckish Gerald Martin and Captain Suckwad, Groucho "Suck Suck" Price, from the happily sucking AAA squad to replace a couple other scrubs from last year (who sucked). But if the injury bug hits (Hackman is notoriously fragile), this organization will be scrambling to find competent bodies to fill the gaps.

The flip side to this glorious collection of finely tuned run producers is the less than stellar pitching staff. When trying to pen a nickname for the Cubs staff, the best Chris Berman could come up with was "Aaron Hinske and the rest of those guys". And that's pretty much what comprises the staff, Cy Young winner Aaron Hinske and 11 other no-names and has-beens possessing varying levels of mediocrity.

Kenter returns the newly-inked Hinske (who agreed to a sweet $6.3 million/3 year contract) along with starters Chipper Anderson and Oscar Christman. Gone are starters Ivan Tavarez and starter/long reliever Carlos Urbina. Gone is heavily-used reliever Alfredo Greer. Retired is aged bullpen fixture Einar Eusebio. In their place? Pretty much more of the same, but at a hefty price.

Chicago dipped into the free agent market in an effort to bring their staff up to snuff, but ended up overpaying for marginal talent. Type B free agent Pedro Diaz will join the starting staff this year, and the Cubs faithful had best hope he finds better mojo than that which saw him relinquish a .306 batting average to compliment his 1.66 WHIP and 5.75 ERA from last season. He will cost the Cubs $5.9 million for three years.

Payroll is a concern as the Cubs are already committed for a hefty $93.9 million this season. On the plus side, payroll-wise, they do have most of their key pieces (excepting Danny Neal) locked up beyond this season.

Another free agent bust in the making is venerable starting pitcher, Benito Javier. Despite 36 years on this earth, a less-than-impressive performance last season, and a muy rapido decline in skills, kenter agreed to pay him $6.5 million for his services this season. By way of comparison, he'll be banking over a half mill more than 22 game winner Hinske. There are worse things one could blow $6.5 million on, but it would take an awful lot of trysts with transvestite hookers to rack up that kind of bill (at least according to lead alcoholic, frankum).

One nice free agent pickup for the Cubs was short relief man Bill Clifton. He is at his athletic peak and boasts a career 1.37 WHIP and 3.89 ERA.

Barring multiple injuries to key contributers, the Cubs should easily win the East for the fourth year running, and score an awful lot of runs in the process. But the question remains: Do they have the hurlers to contain other comparably potent offenses in a playoff situation? Unless if they hire a mad scientist to clone a few more Aaron Hinskes, the likely answer is: No.

Playoff Predictions AL season 13

#3 Oakland over #6 DC: 3-1

#5 Chicago over #4 Monterrey 3-2

#1 Minnesota over #5 Chicago 4-2

#2 Norfolk over #3 Oakland 4-3

#2 Norfolk over #1 Minnesota 4-3

AL Predictions

First, the division predictions:

AL North

Minnesota 113-49

NY 72-90

Portland 68-94

Montreal 62-100

AL East

Norfolk 111-51

Chicago 92-70

DC 85-77

Boston 82-80

AL South

Monterrey 92-70

Texas 75-87

San Juan 70-92

Atlanta 59-103

AL West

Oakland 102-60

Honolulu 80-82

Omaha 77-85

Arizona 64-98

Montreal Expositions

For thirty-five glorious years, the Expos called Montreal home, but the fans stopped coming, and the team traded away their best players over and over and over again, from Gary Carter to Andre Dawson to Vladimir Guerrero to Pedro Martinez. So the Expos packed their bags and headed to DC, where the team has been on top of the world ever since. But into the void came the Montreal Expositions of the Plumpy league. It is a rebuilding job, to be sure, but the hockey fans of Montreal are nothing if not patient when it comes to their baseball, so there is real hope for this franchise.

The franchise's minor leagues are stocked with talent like James Rooney, Wally Rollins, Roger Robinson, and Zephyr Evans. The major leagues are a bit thinner, but the pitching staff is headed by one of the best young arms in the league: Keith Campbell. Lawrence Brooks , Miguel Tapias, and Pascual Alfonseca are all decent ML starters as well, as is Adam Ford. The bullpen is not as strong, with Dave Beam and Mike Mitchell the best Montreal has to offer. Unless there are changes, the bullpen will cost the starters more than a few wins this season.

Offensively, the team was anemic at best last season. The best power threat, Rafael Mendez, has trouble making consistent contact. David Pichardo and Julio Moreno are decent hitters, but nothing to worry opposing pitchers. The team lacks the offense to truly strike fear into opposing pitchers. Don't expect too much improvement in Montreal this season, unless they decide to promote a few of their promising young hitters. Absent that, the battle in Montreal will once again be against the threat of another 100 loss season.

Atlanta Shockers

In 1984, "The Jacksons," fronted by beloved Michael, teamed up with Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger to record the #3 hit single "State of Shock." Now a quarter of a century later, the King of Pop is dead, Mick Jagger is inexplicably still rolling along, and the team that has embraced the sentiment of the Jacksons? Plumpy Rules own "Atlanta Shockers."

The Shockers are a once proud franchise, as they were the first to win multiple World Series crowns and to be repeat champions. The franchise has made the playoffs in 8 of its last 12 seasons, including its first under their current ownership. Last season was a big disappointment, however, with the team managing just 64 wins and finishing last for the second time in three years in their division. The fans have been shocked by the dismal failure of the already brief taz21 regime.

But from the looks of it, the fan base will continue to be shocked this coming year. The team's best players form the corp of an extremely talented farm system, but farm systems take time to develop. Will the Atlanta faithful have the patience for taz's rebuilding plan to develop, or will they try to shock the ownership into action more quickly? Only time will tell (ASIA tune).

For season 13, the offense will be built around 1B slugger Jose Lee, who hit for 36/140 last season, with an OPS over 1.000!!! Juan Zapata is a steady hitting RF, Vic Morales provides nice hitting skills from the DH position, and Rule 5 pick-up Kent Nicholson should contribute right away. Still, most of the team's best offensive weapons are a year or two away.

Pitching wise, James Rollins, Gregory Crow, Hunter Windell, and Vic Duran head a durable but mediocre pitching staff. Turner Christiansen and Larry Brown head up an equally average bullpen. Simply put, this is a below average team, who are most likely to shock the league with below average play in season 13.

Arizona Fighting Armadillos

After making the playoffs during the team's first six seasons as division champs, and then after a two year hiatus, returning for three straight wildcard births, including a trip to the League Championship Series in season 11, 1OldDawg's Armadillo's had their worst season ever last season, finishing below 2nd in their division for the first time in league history. 1OldDawg is not used to being a cellar-dwelling operation, but blames a lot of his woes on the animal rights movement in sports, which has been buttressed by the successful prosecution of Michael Vick.

"Back in the day, a fighting gamecock or a fighting armadillo was all in good fun. Staging armadillo fights at home games during the seventh inning stretch was all part of the shtick."

Armadillo fights are part of the schtick no more, but the ownerships fight against animal rights activists has taken the bite out of the Fighting Armadillo franchise. The "Save the Armadillo" movement in the greater Phoenix area was one factor that saw home attendance drop by 69% last season. "Until they change their mascot name, this franchise will never recover" said onetime announcer and Arizona insider Joe Garagiola.

Still, opening day is looming in Arizona, and the team must try to play on. The staff is paced by veteran Damon Adkins, who is joined by Danny Priddy, Ivan Christensen, and Steven Rothschild. The staff is decent, but below league average. The bullpen has several decent arms, but nothing that strikes fear into any hitter. The pitching staff does not stack up as one set to turn things around in season 13.

Offensively, the story is only a bit different. Lonny Sosa is a legitimate power hitter who has hit at least 30 HRs for three straight seasons. John Purcell, Felipe Escobar, Wayne Jones, and Cesar Polanco are all solid offensive contributors as well. But frankly, the lineup won't cause too many opposing bleachers much fear. The only chance in striking fear in their opponents in season 13 will be unleashing on opponents those fighting armadillos that used to entertain during 7th inning stretches, and they probably couldn't weather the backlash. It looks like another rough season at hand in Arizona, as the full rebuild begins in earnest.

Boston Stranglers

In 1990, George Steinbrenner was suspended for a season for spending $40,000 to a private investigator to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield. Well, the Plumpy league fathers had to take a similar Tennessee Mountain Landis hardline approach to bob squad, when according to news reports he payed assailants to intentionally tear the labrum of Durham Bulls franchise icon Randy Edwards in season 9 for allegedly "not leading the team to the playoffs" and "in order to collect a large Lloyds of London insurance claim." Bob Squad was quickly banned from Plumpy for multiple seasons, but has re-emerged, ready to put the Bob Knight squeeze to any potential future Neil Ried type slackers as he takes over the eerily named Boston Stranglers.

As indicated by his checkered past, bob squad is not one to take a passive or patient approach to rebuilding a franchise. Boston was more active than any team on the free agent market, picking up pitchers Barney McMillan and J.D. Yeats, while inking slugging RF Rondell Gardner, the man who stirred the drink in Montgomery during her championship years. A key trade also garnered top-flight CF Andrew Henderson to accompany slugger Shane Judd and OBP machine Zeus Strickland in what should be a potent offense.

On the pitching ledger, starters include the aforementioned McMillan, J.P. Pena, Pat Hernandez, and Ricardo Gonzalez, who form a solid major league rotation. Yeats leads a strong bullpen as the go-to long reliever, and is joined by closer Tori Spahn and strong set up men Sherman Borders and Al Unamuno, a Rule 5 pick-up.

With a revamped offense and a slew of strong defensive players, as well as a decent staff, Boston should edge close to 500 this year, with a shot at a wild card run. If they don't newly acquired McMillan is the consensus choice of the Boston media to be the first player throttled by bob squad in an attempt to "motivate" the squad.

AN OPEN LETTER TO TTJACKSON

To: ttjackson c/o The Plumpy Times
From: Chuck U. Farley, "Mermaids on Parade" acting coordinator

Dear Mr. Jackson,

It has come to my attention that in a recent sports-related column you deemed fit to make several gratuitously insulting remarks about our all-star gala "Mermaids on Parade" event. As a major component of the thriving Norfolk arts and culture scene (rated Norfolk's 39th most popular event of 2009) and as a celebraton of the mythical creature (or is it?) beloved by seafaring folk all around the globe, I think I can speak for the entirety of Norfolk's population, and, yea, even the world, when I respond: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

The world (excepting one grumbling stick-in-the-mud) is enamored with these lovely sirens of the sea -- marveling at their underwater prowess, admiring their lithe grace and ascetic splendor, gawking at their big, bouncy, aquatic funbags. This well-conceived and timely endeavor filled a void within this community, spread joy throughout Virginia, and certainly does not merit the derision and vitriol of a sneering hatemonkey such as yourself.

In the words of our youth: Mermaids are fly, dawg.

And did I mention that they possess big, bouncy, aquatic funbags that are usually perky and swinging free, and, when clad, are merely covered with coral brassieres or small, gooey strands of seaweed? Because that is certainly relevant to any serious discussion of mermaid folklore.

Nevertheless, in response to the drivel of mouth-breathing cretins such as yourself we have opted to retool the "Mermaids on Parade" extravaganza and gear it more toward the athletic-minded with M.O.P. Mach II: Needlefish on Parade, though, for the life of me, I can't figure why anyone would want a Needlefish delivered directly to his door. Especially since they (with the exception of leftfielder Marino Astacio) are utterly lacking in big, bouncy, aquatic funbags.

Norfolk has, indeed, became Needlefish Nation and this baseball club has captured the hearts of virtually all Norfolkers.

And regarding your baseball analysis, I would like to point out that since your commentary was scribbled (likely with crayon), Needlefish GM, the deity-like and devilishly handsome sordie, has addressed one of the team's shortcomings you highlighted. The teams's Achilles heel, its bullpen, has been girded by the signing of free agent reliever, Shane Prince (a highly rated but underachieving hurler who finally found his groove last year with the perennial powerhouse Oakland franchise). Sordie has also announced that after just a short span of minor league seasoning, the Latin Dynamic Duo of Tony Mercedes and Pedro Crespo shall be promoted to the big league roster.

Sordie also noted that minor league sensation, Josh Mills, may soon be called up to further bolster the already impressive Needlefish rotation.

Now, rather than dwelling on your racist, sexist, misogynistic, and otherwise socially reprehensible display of mermaid prejudice, I would like to end on a positive note and commend you for your insightful and thoroughly enjoyable series of team previews in "The Plumpy Times".

With semi-fond wishes and the semi-sincere hope that your head isn't crushed like a melon encased in the heaving bosom of a top-heavy mermaid,
Chuck U. Farley

Portland Killer Whales

We live in a world defined by violence: wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, continued skirmishes in Israel and Palestine, Grand Theft Auto I, II, & III, and the occasional handgun at a health care town hall meeting. But nobody wants to see violence celebrated by their pro sports nicknames or mascots. No, we are much more amenable to the actual athletes committing the acts of violence. So it is not surprising that the same forces that turned the Washington Bullets into the Wizards (even before there was a Harry Potter) are protesting relentlessly to see the Portland franchise change its nickname. So far, the Portland Killer Whales have not budged.

On the field, however, change has been in the air the past few seasons, with new ownership showing a willingness to wheel and deal, scramble pennies at the last minute to keep a franchise one more year, and even launch a blog with an average readership per article of 7! And the team has totally retooled the pitching staff, bringing in several free agent arms and adding a nice young starter named Miguel Maranon. Add him to veteran Rey Ven Hekken (who is on the trade block), Manny Paquette, and Ed Cannon, and the Whales have a solid rotation. The bullpen is on the thin side however, without a dominant closer but with Chavez, Gonzalez, and Santana each able to contribute.

Offensively, the team is less developed. The lineup is laced with good hitters without a great deal of power to drive the ball, including Trot Hughes (also rumored to be on the trade block), Rock Ellenwood, Andres Rivera, and Ricardo Pineda. Only Rivera and Julio Figureoa of all the hitters managed to slug over .425 last season. Some promising offensive players are in the minors, but they can't get to the big show too soon if Portland is going to outlast her non-violent critics and make a real run in the AL.

New York Godfathers

When word came out that academy award winning director Martin Scorsese was bankrolling a franchise in Plumpy Rules, the name just flowed naturally. Unable to turn his back on the mobster genre behind such hits as Goodfellas, Casino, and The Departed, the name New York Godfathers caught on early, with no deference to Francis Ford Coppola.

After five great seasons as a franchise, the past seven have seen the team sport a losing record. Fans are impatient, and nobody gets impatient like the Godfather. So the team shook things up this offseason, particularly in the pitching department, in what looks like a complete overhaul. Among the new additions are free agent signees Rob Pote and Tony Mori as well as Darren Mack, acquired through trade. These are all solid if not remarkable starters who should solidify the team in their pursuit of a winning record in season 13.

Steven Munoz anchors a fairly pedestrian bullpen, though the team has some nice long relief options in Matty Nieves and Ryan Truman, who could also serve as a starting pitcher. The pitching should be improved, but is probably not quite league average.

Offensively the team has more depth and talent, including last year's rookie of the year candidate Ronald LeCroy, Tony Swann, Peter Tanaka, and Harry Guzman. The team has potential this season to do better, but reaching .500 still seems a remote possibility at best. But the team has demonstrated a willingness to roll the dice in the offseason, and maybe some more moves will further their upward swing. Joe Pesci certainly hopes so.

Omaha Settlers

Back before there was Crocodile Hunter or a Brian Fellows on SNL, the go-to animal series was Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Mutual of Omaha has tried to embody its old slogan: Mutual of Omaha is people you can count on when the going's rough.

Well, there has been a lot of rough going for the Omaha franchise over the past few seasons. One of the few franchises in Plumpy never to make the playoffs, Omaha does seem to be headed in the right direction, and it all flows from a very nice collection of young talent. At the top of the list is season 7 #3 overall pick CF Barry Bowman, who has MVP-type potential. Bowman has had an OPS over 900 the past two seasons, his power is developing nicely, and in season 12 he achieved a rare 30/30 season. 3B Lew Leonard is also an emerging superstar who makes great contact and can drive the ball against LHers and RHers. Recently promoted RF Donn Neal should be another key bat joining sluggers Woody Kennedy and Garrett Wright in a very nice lineup.

The starting staff is paced by legitimate #1 starter Richie Herzer, who is joined by Mark Yoshii, Benny Iglesias, and Peter Kelly, though Kelly and Iglesias lack the necessary splits to be more than #4 or #5 starters. Derrick Van Pelt and AL Duran pace an adequate but thin bullpen.

Omaha is headed for greener pastures due to a great young offense, but they need to find help for Herzer in the rotation to be ready to reach and surpass the 500 mark. With the right moves, they could be a solid playoff contender in season 14, as the Wild Kingdom Offense emerges in the Great Plains.

Washington DC Monuments

Since Change in Health Care Reform seems to have drowned inside the beltway, maybe change we can believe in is still possible on the ball diamond, as we review the Washington DC Monuments!

In the offseason, "change" for DC came in the form of several new middle infielders, via trade, free agency, and the Rule 5 draft. The team has also promoted power hitting young catching prospect Bert Koch who should add some pop to the Monuments right away.

Vicente Melendez, Grover Mills, Marv Garcia, Pedro Alvarez, and Nerio Mays lead a balanced and impressive offensive attack. While none of these players eclipsed the 30 HR mark last year, part of that is due to playing in a park that is not homer friendly, unless we are talking Homer Bailey of course, who would like the dimensions.

Pitching wise, the team has five legitimate big league starters, including Shawn Foxx, Chad Sanders, the ageless Tony Meng, Rico Fernandez, and Andres Mercedes. Edgar Gonzalez and Gabe Matthews headline a nice bullpen as well.

Yes, Change is coming to Washington in Season 13, with or without town hall meetings, Glen Beck, Barack Obama, and "death panels." And that change will be a DC team competing for a wild card spot, hoping to recapture the magic of the franchise's legacy of 3 World Titles.

San Juan Elephant Seals

The Seals finished 8th in the AL last season, three games away from a wildcard slot. Since the move to the city by the sea, the elephant seals have been mediocre. Former team owner bob squad was so offended by the move from Durham, NC to the where, Puerto Rico? that he rejoined the league to seek vengeance on the Seals, but only after he finds out where on God's Green Earth San Juan is. We all pray for Bob's sanity as we don't want to see any Plumpy owner imprisoned for killing an endangered species like the elephant seal.

The biggest question in San Juan going into this season is when will superstar prospect SS Pedro Campos make his debut. Will he spend the year in AAA or make an impact in season 13? The team also has an excellent pitching prospect, Roger Jameson, who is still a year or two away.

The team's offense is solid enough without Campos, but would get a big shot in the arm with him. Marvin West led the Seals with 34 HRs, while Matthew Sweeney added over 180 hits. Overall, the team lacks power, but does a decent job getting on base. Another power bat or two would really help this offense.

Pitching is solid, but not spectacular, in San Juan. Diaz, Pederson, Mendoza, and Jason Reed give solid innings but the bullpen led by Sivilla and Fernandez kept the Seals in a lot of ballgames.

Frankly, this is a rather mediocre team heading into season 13, but they have a few of the finest prospects in the league who should be up in the big leagues before bob squad discovers where in Carmen Sandiego San Juan is.

Texas Black Lightening

The St. Louis Crazy Horses miss the playoffs by 2 lousy games, and the team is sold and the franchise moves down to Texas! Add this move to the sell off of Budwieser to Belgium InBev and the makers of Stella Artois, and the St. Louis faithful are shouting "Stella" with more anger and bravado than Marlon Brando could ever muster (streetcar named desire reference for those confused).

So what remains of the 83 win team from a year ago? Well, aside from jettisoning a few nice bullpen arms to Montgomery for nice prospects, Texas has stood pat, with a nice array of offensive talent as a foundation, including Ray Meyers, Phil Spiers, Max Jacquez, Matt Koloff, Ed Walker, and Tris Tatum. These bats should "warm up" with the move from pitching friendly Busch Stadium to slugging friendly Arlington ballpark, and the power numbers should go up significantly.

The pitching staff features several serviceable starters, including Juilo Arias, Marvin Belinda, and Stump Baker. The bullpen is paced by Lonny Arroyo and Yuniesky Lopez. The pitching staff on the ML level is thin right now, but there is time during spring training to deepen the bullpen.

This Texas team looks to rebound offensively but take some knocks in the pitching department. A 500 winning percentage this year would be a major accomplishment unless some pitching reinforcements are brought in. Rumor has it Jerry Jones has controlling interest in this new club in Texas, so anything is possible to boost ticket sales. Did I hear T.O. may be the next big black lightening free agent signing?

Honolulu Kohunas

Many assumed that after the epic Brady Bunch episode set in the Hawaiian Islands, it would all be down hill for the union's 49th state. But if possible, the Plumpy Rules squad has restored some "Brady Magic" to this sleepy and all but forgotten set of Pacific Islands.

Last season, the Kahunas made the playoffs for the first time in five seasons, entering as a wild card in the tough AL. The biggest temptation in season 13 will be to hold off recalling one of the best catching prospects in Plumpy Rules history: Bob Clark. Clark could write his name in the middle of the lineup card on opening day if the club feels he's ready, but a year of seasoning at AAA may be in the cards, at least until the super-2 designation runs out.

Offensively the team is paced by Rolando DeJesus's 46 HRs, while T.J. Haynes contributed over 100 SBs (almost as many as his 121 K's) while clubbing 22 HRs.Alan Sisco had an off year offensively, but should be able to rebound this season. In free agency, the Kahunas added power ihitting CF Rico Rosa, who should add a bit more pop to the middle of the lineup.

The starting staff is solid if unspectacular. Charles Knoblauch, Johnnie Murphy, Carlos Alvarez, and Moises Nieves are all solid contributors. There is no legit #1 starter, however. The bullpen is paced by workhorse D'Angelo Eusebio to work with Roy Christiansen and Kevin Greer. The bullpen will keep the Kahunas in a lot of games this year, and they should compete for a wildcard spot yet again. While the upcoming season of Honolulu baseball won't make anyone forget the cave adventures of the Brady Bunch trip to Hawaii, the future looks bright in these forgotten islands, as soon as Bob Clark arrives on the scene.

Chicago Fatties

The city of broad shoulders has let its weight shift to its midsection over the past several years, probably part of the grieving over losing Coach Ditka, MJ, and Harry Carey. But the Fatties have embraced this physiological change and built their team persona around it, seeking to make "Super Size Me" catchy yet again.

Chicago made the playoffs for their third consecutive year in season 12, but Norfolk's pitching prowess may make it difficult for Chicago to recapture the division crown they garnered in season 11. In the offseason, Chicago made only a few moves, dealing CF Escobar to Montgomery for a relief project while adding two serviceable major league arms via free agency.

The rotation is filled with workhorses who are higher on stamina than talent, although Amos Phillips and Benito Camacho are both very solid contributors. Theo Craddock anchors the bullpen which has many high stamina contributors. The Fatties rotation is built for the 162 game marathon, but lacks the spark necessary for a short playoff burst. Another front line starter would help significantly.

Offensively, the Fatties are promising to promote a slew of young and talented players in season 13. Wagner, Davenport, and Pulido provide excellent bats that will help right away. One wonders if Pulido is ready for SS, but as a 3B, he has the glove and arm to be passable right away. These players will supplement an offense paced by Philip Gardner, Enrique Uribe, and the Dave Kingman-esque power of Daniel Scanlan (51 HRs/OBP under .300 last season).

The reinforcements will help Chicago compete for a fourth consecutive playoff birth. One wonders if their pitchers will be able to take them any further than that. But at least the XXL waist is now celebrated in the Windy City, thanks to the Chicago Fatties!

Monterrey Jacks

Who knew Monterrey could ever add a jewel to its crown that surpasses a wonderful aquarium, a legacy dripping with the life and writings of John Steinbeck, an amazing view of the Pacific Ocean, and being a hop, skip and a jump from Pebble Beach. But when Monterrey welcomed its first Plumpy Rules franchise, the seaside town felt like it had finally arrived!

Monterrey has won its division three straight years, and reached the second round before falling to Rails last season. The team did little in the offseason to reload, as the offseason has been fairly uneventful in Monterrey, save the addition of the two Willies to the pitching staff via FA: Jose and Martinez. Believe it or not, one is from Cuba and the other from West Virginia!

The team has several nice starting pitchers in Vic Herrera, Frank Kuo, Chris McDill, and ERnie Woods. Even Rick "Superfreak" James adds another nice arm to the staff. The pen is also solid with Benito Olivo, the newly acquired Willie Martinez (the one from Cuba) and Tom Reed.

The team also boasts a load of power from Jerry Torres, Julius Moreno, Red O'Donnall, and the ageless Andrew Jones. Jimmie Richardson provides a great bat at the top of the lineup. Bottom line? Monterrey can win the division again for the fourth straight year, but this team does not stack up against the top three teams in terms of talent. Unfortunately, Monterrey will probably continue to be best know for Cannery Row and a great cheese and not for a nice Plumpy Rules squad (And any attempt to tell me this team is from Monterrey, Mexico will be met by a simple resopnse, "No Comprende!!!")

Norfolk Needlefish

The Needlefish franchise reached the playoffs for only the second time in league history in season 12, and brought Norfolk more excitement than they have seen since they discovered they would host the world's largest naval port. Thankfully the Needlefish run took the town's attention away from their ill-conceived "Mermaids on Parade" campaign, which offers you the opportunity to have a mermaid sent to your home or office!?! They were upset in round one last year, but look primed to make another run in season 13.

In the offseason, the Needlefish lost Rick Neil to free agency and traded away SS Clayton and CF Sosa. In their place, they picked up SP Cormier and 2B Placido Gutierrez, a fairly even swap. Their pitching staff is paced by Juan Seguingnol who won the rookie of the year last season. Austin Morgan provides another very nice young starting pitcher, and Gary Shields is incredible as well. The Needlefish have the most impressive young corp of starting pitching this league has perhaps ever seen!

The bullpen is paced by Larry Strange and Pineiro, and is frankly not on par with the starting rotation. The lineup is filled with power hitters like Marino Asacio, Fernando Sosa, Clinton Blank, Cleatus Rekar (that first name is not a misprint), and Andrew Tate. These guys can flat out mash. Norfolk has every chance of repeating as division champs and moving well past the first round this year with a pitching staff that looks like the Atlanta Braves circa 1993. Hopefully they will have more postseason success than the Braves.

Oakland Hammers

The Season 11 Champions were knocked out by Rails in the AL championships last season, but still are loaded with talent. Not since Charlie O. Finley ran the Athletics in the early 70s or since Al Davis was only partially insane has this type of talent resided in Oakland.

The Catfish Hunter of this A's squad is Einar Pena, who has garnered three consecutive Cy Young awards. He is the Jeff Hackman of the mound, with four 20-win seasons and 99 wins in just four major league campaigns. Given Pena's health, durability, and makeup, we could be looking at the standard bearer by which all future Plumpy pitchers are measured. He could easily top both the 300 win plateau and 3000 strikeouts by the age of 35!

With the loss of Atkinsson to the rival Minnesota squad, the starting rotation is still solid, but only Pena and to a lesser degree Sefcik have the stamina one looks for in a starter. Ruffin, Byrd, and Simmons will provide five or so good innings, but the bullpen will be used and abused in Oakland if they don't find an innings eater to take some pressure off. Of course Manny Chang is one of the elite closers in the game, and should anchor a very solid bullpen along with Allen Bryant.

Offensively Oakland remains solid, with power hitters Norm Hunter, Damaso Ramirez, Tony Ball, Ivan Ortiz, and SS phenom Mateo Bennett setting the pace. Jefferson and Musial also offer some solid offensive contributions.

If Oakland can fine one more horse starting pitcher to slot behind Pena and replace their loss of Atkinsson, they can once again compete for another World Series title in season 13. Just no crazy mustaches this time, fellas!

Minnesota Runnin Rails

The reigning AL Champs are eager to make season 13 a magical season, when they finally capture that elusive 3rd World Series championship. And they quadrupled the Minnesota state debt load in a touch economy to make it happen, allocating a staggering $151 million toward player payroll. For that amount, they are hoping state heroes Prince and Bob Dylan will be able to play the National Anthem before every game as well (that would be an interesting duet, by the way!)

And if you are looking for a sign of their commitment, look no further than the signing of all-everything FA pitcher Adrain Adkinsson. The 38 year old Atkinsson was signed to a staggering 3 year, $70 million offer. Of course the three time Cy Young Award winner with over 200 career victories is showing no signs of slowing down, and adding him while taking his arm away from Oakland may keep Minnesota at the top of the heap in the AL yet again. The rest of the starting staff is strong while Orlando Campos and Brady Murphy anchor a strong bullpen.

Last season the Rails team was often mistaken for the Big Red Machine, with runs scored at a staggering pace. The names are familiar to opposing pitchers: Espinosa, Jung, Baez, Thompson, Rodriguez, Garcia. Add to that OBP giant Jeff Wood and there is no reason to believe that Minnesota won't challenge yet again for the AL championship and the World Series title.

Montgomery Burns Rant on Coach Hiring

TO WIS Powers that be:

I know the coach hiring process is one that is extremely hard to figure out, and the what if team has put a lot of effort toward improving it. That said, I would like to share what recently happened to me in the Plumply Rules league in my pursuit of a fielding instructor. Like always, I tried to lock up coaches early and avoid financial battles over elite coaches, settling for very good coaches. I value fielding, so my target was given a $1,500,000 plus offer. And I waited for him to sign. I went to bed last night assuming he was signing, as there were precious few coaches left. At the 11 PM cycle he told me he got a better offer. I'm coming off back surgery earlier this week, and have been crashing about nine or nine thirty due to meds, etc. I woke up this morning and find he has signed elsewhere at the 3 AM cycle. No chance to counter. No chance to try to get back in the game on the guy I'd led on almost the entire time. Okay, happened before. But what was left? The BEST fielding rating left among all the coaches at all levels was in the mid 50s! So I have a horrible fielding instructor, because there is absolutely no safety net for somebody poaching a coach at the last minute, and the sim does not generate an adequate number os 70 + rated fielding instructors to insure somebody doesn't get slammed. My concern is fairly minimal, except that I would not be surprised to see the penalty for this late night singing of my targeted fielding instructor will probably include: substandard fielding improvement from minor leaguers and young major leaguers, and more rapid decline of fielding ratings from my older veterans. I think this is way too big a penalty for someone who was on top of things, not blowing the coach hiring process off, and who invests time and money in this sim. Please work on fixing this so this type of thing doesn't happen to other players in the future. It simply isn't a fair or just aspect of the SIM.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Award Winners for the Worst Five Contracts of Season 11 Revisited


#1 CARLOS RIVERA

Carlos Rivera, the $19.6 million man (an updated version of Lee Majors' 'Six Million Dollar Man' after hyperinflation and without the bionic powers) remains a mainstay in the Trenton Titans lineup and there he shall likely remain until his astronomical contract expires after season 14.

Easily the best, most productive player this ignomious dishonor was bestowed upon, Rivera was an MVP contender in Season 11 and has averaged 32 homers and 121 RBIs over the last two seasons. He provides a more than adequate 1B bat, and virtually any Plumpyville team without cleanup batters named Todd Ford or Jeff Hackman would be glad to plug him into their respective lineups. But the fact remains, garnering his services requires showering him with big, giant barrelfulls of cold, hard cash. Cash in a volume copious enough to cripple a team from properly addressing other on the field needs.

Solid as he is, Rivera remains the albotross around the Titan's neck and when not planted on the first base bag can be most easily located by visiting your local trading block.


#2 O.T. TITAN

Titan, the beneficiary of a $7.6 two-year deal well after he should have been shipped off to the glue farm, rewarded Submariner GM Bill Howell with a 6.53 ERA/1.82 WHIP season 11 before having his option declined for season 12 (perhaps the contract wasn't as onerous as perceived at first glance) and can currently be found shuffleboarding at the Sunnydale Old Folks Home for Retired Meatballers.


#3 DARREN MACK

Mack, an $8.8mil/season southpaw starter, ended up bouncing back and having a pretty nice Season 11 for the once-mighty Montgomery Burns. But he followed up his 12-6, 1.30 WHIP, 3.54 ERA season 11 with a much less impressive 8-10, 1.63 WHIP, 5.65 ERA season 12 which happened to coincide with Montgomery's only losing season in franchise history.

Two days ago, long-time Burns' GM ttjax was able to unload Mack to the pitching-starved New York Godfathers for Lorenzo Rojas and Fausto Rincon, a pair of ML/AAA tweeners who may offer little help on the field but certainly offer big help on the balance sheet.


#4 HARRY GUERRERO

Guerrero, nlmiller's most notable charity case, received a long-term $18.5 million contract in season 7. When a dollar value is assigned per ML victory accrued, the mathematician calculating the figure has a close encounter of the infinity kind. Guerrero never won a major league ball game, though he did end his big league career with a whopping 15.88 ERA to go with a 3.00 WHIP and a handful of losses.

Guerrero's big contact eventually expired, and he is currently toiling where in AA for minimum wage.


#5 JOSIAS FERNANDEZ

Fernandez, a once-effective major league utility infielder, cashed in his chips after one last bloated contract. He ended his career hacking at meatballs in Oakland's minor league system, a shell of his former self, after collecting $11.2 million dollars from the Richmond Tyrants in return for a grand total of 70 ML at bats and a.186/.293/.357 big league output.

Montgomery Burns Special Report

Late word out of Montgomery is that the Burns and slugger Todd Ford are on the verge of signing a four year contract extension. Ford is entering the final year of his contract in Plumpy season 13. While the final agreement has not yet been signed, insiders are saying that the total deal is expected to be in the four year/$35 million range.

Late last year, a team executive told this reporter that Montgomery, coming off their first losing season in team history, would decide whether to rebuild or reload in season 13 based on the team's ability to sign the much-coveted Ford. Based on this news, look for Burns to lock up former Cy Young winner Sandy Mieske to a long-term contract, and expect Montgomery to be buyers on the trade market for starting and relief pitching to try to push the young and intimidating Jacksonville Alcoholics club.

Upon hearing of the possible long-term deal with Ford, catcher Steve Cannon said, "Time to declare prohibition in the NL South!" Stay tuned for more details.

World Series Facts

So there was some degree of surprise at Philadelphia's world series win in Season 12, so I went back quickly to consider some fast facts from Plumpy Rules World Series past.

If not an upset, Philadelphia's win at least classifies as going against the grain in Plumpy for the following reasons:

Philly is an NL team, only the third NL franchise to win the Plumpy World Series (Oklahoma City in season 1, Montgomery in seasons 7 & 9 are the others). The AL leads 8-4.

Philly is the first team under 100 wins to capture the crown since Oklahoma City won in season 1! They are the first team with under 90 wins to capture a world series crown.

Amazingly, ten straight seasons saw a 100 win team capture the world series, and many of the World Series included 2 100 win teams.

The are the lowest seed to win a World Series since season 1, when Oklahoma City won as a 5 seed.

NL Rumor Mill

Pittsburgh Wannabes

In Pittsburgh, Brett Stewart and Jolbert Veras are on the trade block. Stewart, who had suitors even after the non-waiver trade deadline, hit .332/51/152. He plays a position where it is easy to find talent, but he does play it very well. He’s got two years left on his contract at a rate of 5.4 million per season. Veras has 120 career homeruns, with 40 coming just from season 12. He also wound up hitting .318 and driving in 94 runs. His contract runs until Season 15 and escalates each season (he’s due 4.9, 5, and 5.5 million over the next 3 seasons), but is still club friendly for an offensive catcher.

Pat Hernandez and Rob Pote will likely both be available on the free agent market. Hernandez, Pittsburgh’s lefty ace this past season, sports a lifetime 129-112 record with a 4.04 ERA. Hernandez has thrown 200+ innings 9 times while going on the disabled list only once early in his career largely as a preventative measure. He may draw interest from many teams simply as an innings eater. Pote, another lefty, sports a lifetime 119-92 record. However, he has had a little worse luck with the injury bug. He’s spending the offseason recovering from elbow surgery but expects to be back at some point early in the regular season. Question is will a team sign him? There are strong indications out of the Wannabes’ front office that his option will be declined, and many teams are not eager to grab an injury prone older pitcher. He will have to take a bargain rate to catch on somewhere.

Philadelphia Regulators

Philly is looking for pitching, specifically another starter (1 or 2 type) and bullpen help. Also on the wish, is an upgrade in LF. J.P. Hernandez, Vicente Lee, Bronson Bell, Cesar Polanco, Dwight Johnson, and Eduardo Renteria are names coming up in conversations across the league. There is a good chance all are available for the right price, but Lee, Bell, and Hernandez have some of the most easily moveable contracts right now. Rumor has it that top prospect Santiago Perez, Felipe Moreno, and Benji Vasquez and many other position players at the AAA level are also available.

Jacksonville Alcoholics

Rolando Guerrero, Jamie Rodgers, Zeus Thurman, Antonio Whang, and Jamie Rodgers are all position players available at the Major League level. Tomas Martinez and Adrian Nixon are available pitchers from the ML roster as is John Li at (HiA). It is no secret that Jacksonville is targeting starting pitching or a leadoff CF. Late in the season, Jacksonville scouts could be seen regularly at Montreal games scouting their Major League pitchers. Jacksonville also took looks at Chicago’s Oswaldo Escobar and Tacoma’s Sid Nelson.

Montgomery Burns

Norman Boyd, the 21 year old LoA Cy Young Award winner is on the block. Boyd, a tall lefty out of Highland Community College in Kansas has 3 pitches (a 4 seam, change, and forkball) that scouts salivate over. It also appears that hitters have had a hard time with Boyd as evidenced by the 198 Ks as compared with a paltry 41 walks this past season alone.

Kevin Chang will be allowed to walk on into free agency, as will Barney McMillan. As for the rest of the roster? Monty Burns is sticking to their “no one is expendable policy…except Todd Ford” policy. Rival GMs hope Todd Ford will realize one day soon just how sweet the open market can be. “Should he decide to test the market, Burns will undoubtedly have to move him. Normally, with a good player, the [compensation] picks are enough. Not Ford though.”

Burns has signaled an interest in dealing Andruw Henderson, Ariel Sosa, and Orval Throneberry. Rival GMs say that they’ve heard Sandy Mieskie’s name out there, but doubt he’ll move unless Burns’ demands are met exactly.

Tampa Bay Pirates

The Tampa Bay front office might be awfully quiet this offseason. Most of their resources will go towards tracking their younger guys in the winter leagues. If Tampa Bay does any buying, it will be for a Left handed bat to go in the middle of the order or a leadoff hitter.

Sources indicate that management would listen to offers on any of these players: Jed Hennessey, Carlos Rios, Steven Hiljus, Desi Nunez, Kiki Campos, Ivan Rivas, and Ellie Anderson.

Tampa Bay loves the defense Kimera Pressley provides, but don’t be surprised if he gets traded for a younger shortstop.

Catcher Mike Ball (S) is blocked in AAA and Tampa Bay is willing to move him. The switch hitting catcher has not hit lower than .310 at any stop in the minor league system. In addition to Ball, any AAA position player not named Crash Cloud is available.

Tacoma Chicken Dance

Hearing that Sid Nelson isn’t likely to give Tacoma a home town discount and will test the market. His current contract is 5.8 million and he will be 31 in season 13 (just like Oswaldo Escobar). Nelson, like Escobar, sports a lifetime .340+ on base percentage (Escobar .341, Nelson .348), is left handed, and has great defense (nod goes to Escobar). Nelson has great speed, as he has amassed over 40 steals the last 5 seasons (3 seasons with over 60). The difference? Nelson is on the free agent market now and Escobar has to be traded for.

GM moustache, when we talked to him, said “Kyle Adkins is available for free. That isn’t off the record, write that down. No, don’t just write it down…underline it, bold it, and italicize it!” Adkins has 19.5 million due to him over the next four years. The lefty had a rough first year in Tacoma, but another year in that park (or another pitcher friendly park) may do him a lot of good. Potential landing spots: staying in Tacoma, Portland, Omaha. Longshots: Oakland, San Francisco, Pittsburgh, New York (Godfathers).

Ronn Gagne, on the other hand, was a terrific story in Season 12. Asked to start consistently for the first time in his 5 year major league career, Gagne rose to the challenge. He started 23 games and held opponents to a .224 opponent average and a 3.88 ERA. He is signed through Season 14 at a very team friendly deal of 2.8 million per season.

Vince Sewell is available. The AAA second baseman is good defensively and has put up high averages at every stop in the minor league ranks. Also hearing that Alex Lockwood is another prospect that isn’t as untouchable as other GMs once thought. However, that doesn’t mean he will come at a bargain price either. Derrick Velandia and Bernie Cruz will hit the market. Both are good defenders at their positions, SS and 3B respectively, but lack solid offensive production.

Trenton Titans

Unnamed sources in Trenton confirm that the Titans managements would be listening to offers for Dennis Barkley and Lonny Griffin. Barkley, who is due 8.75 million next season, finished season 12 hitting .299/31/66. Barkley has clubbed 213 home runs in his career, but never really quite got adjusted to Trenton after the move from Baltimore. He is a good candidate to be moved to a contender wiling to put him middle to lower part of the order down if the price is right. Griffin, also due 8.75 million next season, hit .310/22/82. Most scouts say Griffin will likely stay in the AL, if dealt at all.

AL Rumor Mill

Montreal Expositions

With a slew of slick fielding shortstops waiting in the wings, Rick Larkin has become expendable in Montreal. Larkin is coming off a season 12 campaign in which he hit .256/14/65 while stealing 37 bases. While he did not get on base quite as much as his first season in Montreal, he did still manage to score 82 runs. Bill Clifton was just what Montreal needed in season 11, but he got rocked in season 12. Odds are Montreal will let the 229 save reliever walk unless they hear of a trade and sign type opportunity.

Oakland Hammers

Adrian Adkinsson and Rey Maxwell aren't going to be resigned and will be heading to free agency. Adkinsson can simply be described as the next bidding war, even at age 38. Maxwell also knows how to earn his paycheck. This Right Fielder has hit 217 home runs while hitting .289 lifetime.

Chicago Fatties

A hot name right now in the rumor mill is Centerfielder Oswaldo Escobar. The soon to be 31 year old Escobar has racked up 7 of the last 9 Gold Gloves, including Season 12. He makes a lot of sense for a lot of teams simply for his defense, but Escobar also provides the presence of a lefty bat with a friendly contract. Escobar will be entering the final year of a four year contract that has paid him $5.8 million annually.

New York Godfathers

Trenidad Espinosa rebounded amiably after being let go by Louisville in Season 11. Espinosa finished season 12 by hitting .285 15/43 out in Right Field. Staff ace Johnny Pride is available. Pride is coming off an 11-15 season. Sam Witt saw action last year as a back end of the rotation guy for the Godfathers. The lifetime 28-53 pitcher may have a hard time finding work above the AAA level. Johnny Pride is a soon to be 29 year old lefty who offered the Godfathers 200+ innings last year, a feat he has accomplished 4 times in his career. Pride will be looking to catch on wherever someone will pay him. More than likely he will try to get New York to resign him, but realizes his best bet is with a rebuilding club to warm a spot until other prospects are ready to take over.

Portland Killer Whales

“No one will be resigned” is apparently the mantra of the Killer Whales these days. All potential free agents include Patrick Rigby, Pedro Diaz, Stephen McDowell, and Reagan Robinson . Fernando Garces is the highest profile Killer Whale to go to the market. Garces is not willing to resign with Portland and the front office could not be happier. “Even if he would want to resign him, we wouldn’t” stated one source with knowledge of the situation. “The youth movement in Portland will go on.” Portland has been signaling interest in trading Trot Hughes, Francisco Fernandez, and Rey Van Hekken.

Norfolk Needlefish

When asked for rumors, most GMs smile and lawyer up on you. That isn’t GM Sordie’s style. “Runner-up for Fireman of the Year, Chris Sauveur , is going to retire from baseball, get a sex change operation, change his name to Christina, and dance in a French cabaret review.” Scouts in some circles had said they thought he had already done that at the deadline in Season 10 when Saveuer was slotted as the Philadelphia closer and proceeded to have a 2.39 WHIP and an ERA just under 8 . Sordie is also telling anyone that will listen that Gary Clayton and Juan Sosa are looking to be dealt. Rick Neill just had a great season but he’s stated that he’s looking for one last good deal, so he’ll explore Free Agency.

San Juan Elephant Seals

Signed through 15 at a rate of 5.4 million a year, Ricardo Johnson is rumored to be available. Johnson isn't too sexy of a player in the eyes of most GMs, but some see his value. Johnson offers little power, but does offer great speed and a great eye. Last season, his on base percentage was low by his standards at .355 in comparison to his lifetime mark of .371. Also, don't be surprised if the San Juan front office fields offers for anyone over the age of 25.