1) Carlos Rivera, Trenton Titans
$98,000,000/5 years ----> Avg. Yearly Salary $19,600,000
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What's the problem with signing a lifetime .300 hitter with a tad bit of power and a decent first baseman's mitt? Trenton's accounting department can identify at least 19,600,000 per year.
The beneficiary of a one-season mgdtiger spending spree, Rivera's holdings have officially surpassed the gross national product of Mexico, his home country. No slouch with the stick, this lumbering mercenary has averaged 36 homers and 120 RBI's over his much-traveled 8 year playing career to compliment his Gold Glove caliber 1B play. Of course, calling someone a "Gold Glove caliber first baseman" is kind of like calling a woman "the hottest chick in the nursing home."
And the question remains: Does this make him the 98 million dollar man?
The verdict is still out, but consensus opinion seems to be that successful GMs do not dump giant barrels full of cash on very good, but not great, hitters whose lack of defensive versatility relegates them to 1B and LF.
2) O.T. Titan, Hartford Submarines
$7,600,000/2 years -----> Avg. Yearly Salary $3,800,000
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The perfect example of an aging veteran coasting his way to wealth on the merits of past semi-proficiency, Titan's agent skillfully negotiated a two year $7.6 million dollar contract from Hartford GM Bill Howell over a 17-martini lunch (16 of which were consumed by Howell.) A considerable risk with a rather pedestrian record of major league mediocrity, Titan has since rewarded Howell's confidence by pitching his way to a 5-9 record with an 8.17 ERA and 1.99 WHIP. This, however, is actually an improvement over last season's 4-11/10.00 ERA/2.18 WHIP debacle.
When asked if the 35 year old southpaw's skills are declining, Hartford pitching coach David Bradley commented, "Declining? The son-of-a-bitch couldn't pitch his way out of a paper bag. Never has, never will. This is off the record, right?" Bradley further conjectured that the O.T. in Titan's name probably stood for "Overpaid Turd." GM Howell could not be reached for comment as he was attending one of his thrice-daily AA meetings.
3) Darren Mack, Montgomery Burns
$41,900,000/5 years ---------> Avg. yearly Salary $8,380,000
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When short-time Seattle GM dwilli1 signed Mack, a subpar lefty starter, to a $40mil+, 5 year deal last season, Seattle Enquirer sports writer Kipsey Thompson categorized the deal as "a total abandonment of the key principles of fiscal responsibility by an inbred, borderline lunatic, semi-retarded twat of a man." Thompson later printed an apology and retraction, stating it was not his intent to offend the semi-retarded community, and dwilli1 was, in fact, "fully retarded."
In an astute move, tlally43, the new GM of the since-relocated Seattle franchise, was able to shuffle Mack and his bulging contract off to perennial Plumpy powerhouse, Montgomery, for two warm-up jerseys and a half full plastic baggie of lukewarm monkey piss. It has been heralded as the deal that could propel Omaha to hardball relevance. The simian urine baggie, currently pitching mopup for the Settlers, could not be reached for comment.
Montgomery GM, ttjackson, recently returned from a bailout-seeking trip to Washington, firmly asserted, "Yeah, people have accused us of taking on a 'toxic contract' when we picked up Mack, but we are not AIG. I repeat, we are not AIG." A spokesman from the floundering insurance giant, as well, has denied association with the Montgomery franchise, pleading, "Please don't link us to such wasteful irresponsibility. We have a reputation to uphold."
Mack, a 31 year old, 6'3" southpaw, is the proud owner of a lifetime 54-75 W/L record and 4.67 ERA. Somewhat of a marketing whiz, he has founded "Mack Daddy Enterprises" and demanded his teammates and coaches address him by his new monicker, Mack Daddy. Instead, they continue to address him as "Mack-Off", as in "Darren looks a little weak in the knees, he must have Macked off too much last night" or "Darren got shelled for another 13 run first inning, what a giant Mack-off!"
4) Harry Guerrero, Toronto Grizzlies
$18,500,000/5 years ------> Avg. Yearly Salary $3,700,000
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The Dominican Republic has produced more major league players, per capita, than any other nation in the world. And it has also spawned the money-sucking monstrosity that is Harry Guerrero.
Guerrero, signed by feckless ML exec nlmiller (former GM of Salt Lake City), inked a five-year $18.5 mill deal in Season 7 after a number of unproductive seasons in Pittsburgh's farm system. Miller, widely known around the league for his eccentricity (translation: bat-shit craziness), claimed to have a "hunch" about good things in Guerrero's future after an extended conversation with his psychic phone friend. Donning his tin-foil helmet, Miller signed Guerrero's contract in his own blood while screaming "Wikki-kaboo, wikki-kaboo, the Pod People of Muuu probed me anally!"
Despite repeated attempts to nullify the deal by Salt Lake City's management, the Utah Superior Court ruled it valid and legally binding.
Guerrero, an imposing southpaw with a noted lack of control, has since set the minor league record for hit batsmen in a season and has hospitalized over 35 opponents with errant fastballs (including 4 fans, 2 hot dog vendors, an umpire, and Smithers, a leading assistant of Montgomery Burns' GM ttjackson, who was watching the game from an upper level box seat.) He prides himself on being equally ineffective on both sides of the plate, both in the ballgame and in his personal life.
Attempting to capitalize on his one shot at the bigs, Guerrero amazed fans during a Season 10 call-up by posting a 15.88 ERA and .440 opponent batting average on his way to an 0-3 big league record. One amused fan was quoted as saying, "Hooray! I'm for the other team!"
Despite a few minor holes in his game (pitching, batting, fielding), his new GM, rydart25, has named him as one of Toronto's top 10 prospects for the future. We wish rydart the best of luck as he awaits his CAT-scan results.
5) Josias Fernandez, Richmond Tigers
$11,200,000/2 years ----------> Avg. Yearly Salary $5,600,000
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Another Dominican bundle of suck, unlike Guerrero, at least the 33 year old Fernandez can blame his ineptitude on the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune rather than an utter lack of talent. A once-promising SS prospect, the onslaught of years and a seemingly endless string of major injuries has drained him dry of the talent he once possessed, leaving him a mere shell of the player he once was (but still at least three or four times as good as his countryman, Guerrero!)
Despite the decline normally associated with aged players, and despite a prolific history of injury, Richmond GM bbw53 (thus named due to his well-documented fascination with mature BBWs) rolled the dice on the Geritol-swigging Fernandez and came up snake-eyes as the Dominican promptly herniated the shit out of a disk in his neck, leaving Richmond scrambling for a replacement as he sat in traction begging every bonita nurse who wandered by for "mas morphine" and "happy endings".
Fernandez batted a meager .186 for Richmond prior to his injury and is now fulfilling the final year of his multi-million dollar contract stinking up the field of Richmond's AAA affiliate.
DISHONORABLE MENTION:
- Rafael Parra, Montreal
- Augie Meyers, Toronto
- Andrew Jones, Monterrey
- Ed Walker, St. Louis
- Yorvit Sanchez, Omaha
- Mariano Salinas, Hartford
- Harvey Linden, Louisville
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