LCS Preview

by 10:20 PM 0 comments
Hello, friends (and that dick From San Juan)!

You may recall last “year” Zeustis kindly asked me to do some kind of playoff preview for Plumpy, and I think it turned out pretty well! To quote my girlfriend, “I won’t say it’s good, but this is better than I thought you could do.” (Which, coincidentally, was the Ottawa Eh’s rallying cry all season.) It went so well, in fact, that Zeustis didn’t even have to ask me to write another one – I just knew he wanted me to.

And really, who better to write an LCS preview than someone who was promptly given the boot in Round 1? I certainly have no shortage of free time on my hands, and was eliminated long enough ago that I have already recovered from the horrible hangover caused by the days-long bender resulting from our unceremonious loss to that pathetic excuse for a franchise known as the San Juan Elephant Seals, or should I say San Juan Ele-FAT Seals!

Ok so let's get to the preview.

This is, after all, about the playoffs – that elusive chance at glory, where the big dogs come to play and the little dogs get peed on by the big dogs. This is about winner take all, loser goes home, only the strong survive. Winner gets the conch and Piggy gets smashed by a boulder. Indeed, this is about the four powerhouse teams who we all knew would be here at the end; this is about Omaha, Little Rock, Scranton, and Tacoma!

Oh wait, only Omaha is left? Crap.


#5 New Orleans Voodoo vs. #2 Omaha Settlers


New Orleans (96-66)

A newbie to our hearts, but not to imaginary baseball, ptwoner brought a radical new management style to the former Memphis/Durham goliath. Indeed, New Orleans ruffled some feathers early on by trading aging-but-still-productive veterans for prospects. And mid-season predictions of doom turned out to be 100% accurate, seeing the squad from down south spectacularly fall short of 100 wins for the first time in nine seasons, finishing with an abysmal 96. The Voodoo had the second-to-last laugh, however, as the savvy veteran of 67 HBD seasons correctly predicted the future, intentionally avoiding the suspiciously-cursed #1 seed, and sneaked (snuck?) into the playoffs as a Wild Card.

The Voodoo had a tough first round match-up with the offensive-minded New York Knights. In a high-scoring series in which only once did the winner score fewer than 6 runs, New Orleans rode veteran free agent acquisition Jeff Ausmus to a series-clinching victory in Game 5, conquering New York and banishing the Knights from the playoffs.

Round 2 pitted New Orleans against reinvigorated division rival San Juan Little Rock in another high scoring affair. And just like how I can still beat up my little brother even though he outweighs me by 50 pounds, New Orleans sent Little Rock crying home to mama in a decisive Game 5 victory. While many were surprised at the upset, New Orleans once again proves the age-old saying, “It’s better to be lucky than good, and it’s better still to place a curse on the team you’re playing.”

Omaha Settlers (99-63)

Despite a second consecutive ALCS appearance, clearly the bell doth toll for the Omaha Settlers, and you doth heard it here firsteth. As I pointed out last season, check out Omaha’s win totals the last three years: 101, 100, 99. Now, I’m no statistician, but clearly by Season 48 Omaha will be at home watching the playoffs at 81-81, and by Season 129 they will achieve Plumpy’s first 0-162 season. Enjoy your success while it lasts, Omaha!

Despite this dismal trend, Omaha coasted to yet another division title, riding studs Del Moya and Vic Pena (a combined 31-13) to the third-best team ERA in all of baseball, and best in the AL. Combine that with three All-Stars in Moya, Elston Olson, and Matty Wilfredo, and Silver Slugger 3B Pedro Moreno, and Omaha has one of the more well-rounded teams in Plumpy.

By settling for their third consecutive first round bye, the Settlers watched as San Juan quickly dispatched Ottawa 3-1, setting up a re-match of last season’s ALCS in which the E-Seals thumped Omaha 4-2. In an exciting back-and-forth series, Omaha proved that revenge is a dish best served during the PM cycle, clubbing the Elephant Seals 4-1 and moving on to the ALCS. 

Players to watch: Chad Pride had a throwback season this year with a 2.99 ERA and 1.21 WHIP, while Del Moya has only given up 2 ER over 13.2 play-off innings.


#6 Richmond Renegades vs. #5 Chicago Boomers


Richmond Renegades (88-74)

In his second season as owner of the Richmond Renegades, and second full season of HBD overall, Hooperc2 (the 2 stands for ‘2 cool 4 school’) basically set out in search of a video game arcade with a sweaty fistful of dollars, and somehow ended up in a strip club with a sweatier fistful of dollars. Is it a stretch to say those dollars are Cla Dixon, Al Cabrera, and Russell Butler? I don’t know, because to me bad analogies are like bad analogies.

The Renegades’ playoff hopes initially looked bleak: they had just been swept by their first round match-up 3 games earlier, and in facing red-hot Montgomery, Richmond looked like they were at a major risk of getting Montgomery burned! [Commissioner’s note: good one.] However, in an HBD twist of fate Hooperc2 will eventually grow to hate like the rest of us, his fortunes miraculously changed course, and the Renegades came back from a 1-2 series deficit to pull the upset, 3-2.

Richmond truly hit their stride in Round 2, facing an uphill battle against the apparently-no-longer-rebuilding Scranton Boll Weevils. In a series of moves designed to show the league he wasn’t “just some newbie manager,” Hooper2cool4school rode savvy veterans Dixon and Diego Lee, creatively utilized his stellar bullpen to keep the Scranton hitters off balance, and finally started Stan Walters at catcher for the decisive Game 4. When reached for comment after the game, Zeustis responded with, “Are you ****ing serious?” and Hooperc2 said, “Oh shit, really??” Well played, gentlemen.

Chicago Boomers (91-71)

Here in the AL, not much is known about the Chicago Boomers, other than they are not the Tacoma Magma. But the similarities between Chicago and Richmond in this match-up are abundant: both are relatively new owners, both have built on early career successes, and both knocked off NL powerhouses to get where they are. Chicago finished second in the NL North, and while Chicago’s strength is pitching – they boast the fourth-lowest run total in the entire league (second in their own division) – they do back-up their namesake, crushing 248 homers over the course of the season, good for second in the AL (second in their own division).

Perhaps Chicago had a deathwish, perhaps they knew something the rest of us didn’t, or perhaps they’d had enough of hearing the label “Second in their own division,” because the Boomers appeared excited at a potential second round match-up with the Tacoma Magma. Overheard screaming to his team, “WE SHALL DRINK THE BLOOD OF TACOMA!” Chicago set the tone in the first round, making the Boise ‘Turds crap their pants during a 13-7 shellacking, and went on to win in a closer-than-it-seemed series sweep.

Facing their division rival, Chicago got two solid performances from rookie Ted “Mother” Tucker, and perhaps shed light on Tacoma’s true weakness: Julio Rijo can’t pitch every game, just most of them. In a series in which neither team won consecutive games, Chicago bookended the series with 2-0 and 2-1 wins, securing temporary bragging rights and upsetting the champ. As the Magma darkly packed up their gear, trying to avoid looking at the giddy celebrations of the Boomers dancing to “We Are the Champions” blaring over the stadium loudspeaker, veteran Turner Eldred was heard remarking, “Hey coach, don’t we got another series?”

Players to watch: Youngster Howard Washington has 12 RBI and a .500 OBP so far in the playoffs, while the duo of Ted Tucker and Guillermo Cabrera have combined to allow a measly 6 ER over 29.2 innings.



Commissioner of the fakest fake baseball league on the planet: Plumpy Rules!!!!111