Finally, you guys. It’s finally here. After thirty-two fake
teams, one hundred and sixty-two fake games, twenty fake trades, twelve fake
playoff teams, and two decisive fake game 5s, we’ve finally weeded out the real
losers to get our four fake clubs vying for a real chance to play for the fake
championship. And just as (in)significantly, we’re also finally down to few enough
teams that you can no longer tell our Dear Leader you don’t have the free time
to write up some goofy playoff narratives. Hurray!
ALCS:
#5 San Juan Elephant Seals vs. #2 Omaha Settlers
San Juan (100-62)
After winning the Season 28 Championship, San Juan began
their title defense in fantastic form, winning 13 of their first 18 games in Spring
Training. Unfortunately, in a season of fake games, Spring Training is the
fakest, and San Juan must have spent too much time staring at the trophy rumored
to decorate his homepage, as the defending champs started the real fake season 15-21.
However, proving once again you can have an impact even if
you suck too much to make the playoffs, the Elephant Seals righted the ship
against the pitiful Ottawa Eh’s, jump-starting their season with seven
consecutive wins and 14 of their next 18. Propelled by stellar hitting and
stellarly-average pitching, San Juan enthusiastically sleepwalked the rest of the way to
second place in the AL South, the first Wild Card spot, and the second-best
record in the AL.
The E-Seals started the playoffs with a vicious hay-maker,
literally punching Shigetoshi
Jang to death in a 22-5 victory over Chicago. The Fatties tied it at 1-1,
but the death of Jang was too much to overcome, as the series culminated in San
Juan dominating Jang’s reanimated corpse in Game 4, 10-3. With that, San Juan
rode their offense into a matchup with loveable Durham.
Unfortunately for davecallahan, bcpbcp7 is still unaware
there was an owner change after S27, as his hate for Memphis/Durham still burns
with the fire of a thousand simulated suns. Despite losing the season series
2-8, the defending champs quickly dispatched the Dirt Dogs in a three game set,
proving yet again that there can be only one Highlander.
Omaha Settlers (100-62)
After a fantastic S28 regular season culminated in a
disappointing 3-game exit from the playoffs, Omaha literally missed only one
beat this season, de-improving their record from 101-61 in S28 to 100-62 in
S29. A bold strategy. In contrast to San Juan, Omaha seemed to recognize that the
start of the regular season counted, sprinting out to an 18-7 record in a tough
division.
After a bit of a lull (in which Omaha went 4-3 against San
Juan), they followed up the Amateur Draft by winning 17 of 20, a feat so
astonishing I had to make sure I wasn’t looking at the Low A schedule. It turns
out I was, but Omaha’s Major League squad actually topped that by winning 13 straight,
and 23 of 28 overall. Good golly.
After edging out Oakland once again for the AL West title
and a first round bye, the Settlers settled the score (nice) with his rival,
mattwithanh, adding an interesting real life chapter for the two old war
buddies. [Commissioner’s note: I don’t think this is true…]
Players to watch: Bret
Moore already has 6 HRs and a .516 OBP after hitting 10 HRs in last season’s
playoffs, while Matty
Wilfredo has a 1.371 OPS from the SS position.
NLCS:
#2 Scranton Boll Weevils vs. #1 Syracuse Magma
Scranton Boll Weevils (94-68)
After a heart-breaking 3-2 first round loss in the S28
playoffs, Scranton owner zeustis was heard to remark (paraphrased), “Well, I’m
so used to winning 100+ games that it must be time to rebuild.” And he truly made a
valiant attempt, trading several aging veterans and purging contracts down to a
$38M team salary in S29. But, just like the S28 first round series, his good
attempt ultimately ended in pitiful, pitiful failure, resulting in the worst
rebuild record of all time, 94-68 and a first round playoff bye. Disgusting.
The Boll Weevils ALMOST followed their owner’s advice,
hitting a late-season rough patch that saw them lose 10 of 15, but they
ultimately choked at the end, winning 5 straight against playoff contenders
Charlotte and Montgomery to take back the NL East from surging Louisville and
Hartford, securing a first round bye.
In Round 2 of the playoffs, Louisville almost got their
revenge, taking an early 2-1 lead. But zeustis hates lasagna and loves Mondays as the Boll Weevils erased Jim Davis in a 13-2 Game 4 win, and
clinched it with an exciting 3-2 victory in Game 5. As Louisville’s bus pulled
out of the Scranton parking lot, celebrations could be seen inside tiny Lackawanna
County Stadium: champagne popping, players laughing and hugging, and in the
distance our Dear Leader could be seen urinating on a picture of Courtney
Holliday.
Syracuse Magma (112-50)
If zeustis is Dear Leader, zyrion must be the T-1000. After
making it to the S28 NLCS, the Magma were upset 4-2 by Montgomery. Using advanced
future knowledge, like spikey tinfoil hands and an apparent cure for ALS, Syracuse responded
by going on a mission this season to destroy the entire fake human race. Leading
the league in team ERA and coming in third in team OPS, the Magma finished a preposterous
20 games ahead of division “rival” Chicago (who won 92 games themselves!), and enjoyed
a delicious cake-walk to the #1 seed and #1 overall record.
With Montgomery having traded Roger
“Schwarzenegger” Conroy during the regular season, Syracuse demonstrated in
Round 2 what would have happened if Ahnold weren’t in Terminator 2, destroying
the Montgomery John Connors in four games with a mixture of pitching, hitting,
and James Cameron Explosions™. The win caused a tear in the space-time
continuum and, more importantly, brought Syracuse back to the NLCS.
Players to watch: Scranton’s win allows for a miraculous
comeback for Midre
Barrios after he inexplicably left in the middle of a game to have elbow
surgery, while Patrick
Gehrig comes back tan and well-rested from his vacation we all call "the regular season."
Good luck to all you stupid winners!
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