LCS Preview

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Finally, you guys. It’s finally here. After thirty-two fake teams, one hundred and sixty-two fake games, twenty fake trades, twelve fake playoff teams, and two decisive fake game 5s, we’ve finally weeded out the real losers to get our four fake clubs vying for a real chance to play for the fake championship. And just as (in)significantly, we’re also finally down to few enough teams that you can no longer tell our Dear Leader you don’t have the free time to write up some goofy playoff narratives. Hurray!


#5 San Juan Elephant Seals vs. #2 Omaha Settlers


San Juan (100-62)

After winning the Season 28 Championship, San Juan began their title defense in fantastic form, winning 13 of their first 18 games in Spring Training. Unfortunately, in a season of fake games, Spring Training is the fakest, and San Juan must have spent too much time staring at the trophy rumored to decorate his homepage, as the defending champs started the real fake season 15-21.

However, proving once again you can have an impact even if you suck too much to make the playoffs, the Elephant Seals righted the ship against the pitiful Ottawa Eh’s, jump-starting their season with seven consecutive wins and 14 of their next 18. Propelled by stellar hitting and stellarly-average pitching, San Juan enthusiastically sleepwalked the rest of the way to second place in the AL South, the first Wild Card spot, and the second-best record in the AL.

The E-Seals started the playoffs with a vicious hay-maker, literally punching Shigetoshi Jang to death in a 22-5 victory over Chicago. The Fatties tied it at 1-1, but the death of Jang was too much to overcome, as the series culminated in San Juan dominating Jang’s reanimated corpse in Game 4, 10-3. With that, San Juan rode their offense into a matchup with loveable Durham.

Unfortunately for davecallahan, bcpbcp7 is still unaware there was an owner change after S27, as his hate for Memphis/Durham still burns with the fire of a thousand simulated suns. Despite losing the season series 2-8, the defending champs quickly dispatched the Dirt Dogs in a three game set, proving yet again that there can be only one Highlander.

Omaha Settlers (100-62)

After a fantastic S28 regular season culminated in a disappointing 3-game exit from the playoffs, Omaha literally missed only one beat this season, de-improving their record from 101-61 in S28 to 100-62 in S29. A bold strategy. In contrast to San Juan, Omaha seemed to recognize that the start of the regular season counted, sprinting out to an 18-7 record in a tough division.

After a bit of a lull (in which Omaha went 4-3 against San Juan), they followed up the Amateur Draft by winning 17 of 20, a feat so astonishing I had to make sure I wasn’t looking at the Low A schedule. It turns out I was, but Omaha’s Major League squad actually topped that by winning 13 straight, and 23 of 28 overall. Good golly.

After edging out Oakland once again for the AL West title and a first round bye, the Settlers settled the score (nice) with his rival, mattwithanh, adding an interesting real life chapter for the two old war buddies. [Commissioner’s note: I don’t think this is true…]

Players to watch: Bret Moore already has 6 HRs and a .516 OBP after hitting 10 HRs in last season’s playoffs, while Matty Wilfredo has a 1.371 OPS from the SS position.


#2 Scranton Boll Weevils vs. #1 Syracuse Magma


Scranton Boll Weevils (94-68)

After a heart-breaking 3-2 first round loss in the S28 playoffs, Scranton owner zeustis was heard to remark (paraphrased), “Well, I’m so used to winning 100+ games that it must be time to rebuild.” And he truly made a valiant attempt, trading several aging veterans and purging contracts down to a $38M team salary in S29. But, just like the S28 first round series, his good attempt ultimately ended in pitiful, pitiful failure, resulting in the worst rebuild record of all time, 94-68 and a first round playoff bye. Disgusting.

The Boll Weevils ALMOST followed their owner’s advice, hitting a late-season rough patch that saw them lose 10 of 15, but they ultimately choked at the end, winning 5 straight against playoff contenders Charlotte and Montgomery to take back the NL East from surging Louisville and Hartford, securing a first round bye.

In Round 2 of the playoffs, Louisville almost got their revenge, taking an early 2-1 lead. But zeustis hates lasagna and loves Mondays as the Boll Weevils erased Jim Davis in a 13-2 Game 4 win, and clinched it with an exciting 3-2 victory in Game 5. As Louisville’s bus pulled out of the Scranton parking lot, celebrations could be seen inside tiny Lackawanna County Stadium: champagne popping, players laughing and hugging, and in the distance our Dear Leader could be seen urinating on a picture of Courtney Holliday.

Syracuse Magma (112-50)

If zeustis is Dear Leader, zyrion must be the T-1000. After making it to the S28 NLCS, the Magma were upset 4-2 by Montgomery. Using advanced future knowledge, like spikey tinfoil hands and an apparent cure for ALS, Syracuse responded by going on a mission this season to destroy the entire fake human race. Leading the league in team ERA and coming in third in team OPS, the Magma finished a preposterous 20 games ahead of division “rival” Chicago (who won 92 games themselves!), and enjoyed a delicious cake-walk to the #1 seed and #1 overall record.

With Montgomery having traded Roger “Schwarzenegger” Conroy during the regular season, Syracuse demonstrated in Round 2 what would have happened if Ahnold weren’t in Terminator 2, destroying the Montgomery John Connors in four games with a mixture of pitching, hitting, and James Cameron Explosions™. The win caused a tear in the space-time continuum and, more importantly, brought Syracuse back to the NLCS.

Players to watch: Scranton’s win allows for a miraculous comeback for Midre Barrios after he inexplicably left in the middle of a game to have elbow surgery, while Patrick Gehrig comes back tan and well-rested from his vacation we all call "the regular season."

Good luck to all you stupid winners!



Commissioner of the fakest fake baseball league on the planet: Plumpy Rules!!!!111