by 7:48 PM 0 comments
To: ttjackson c/o The Plumpy Times
From: Chuck U. Farley, "Mermaids on Parade" acting coordinator

Dear Mr. Jackson,

It has come to my attention that in a recent sports-related column you deemed fit to make several gratuitously insulting remarks about our all-star gala "Mermaids on Parade" event. As a major component of the thriving Norfolk arts and culture scene (rated Norfolk's 39th most popular event of 2009) and as a celebraton of the mythical creature (or is it?) beloved by seafaring folk all around the globe, I think I can speak for the entirety of Norfolk's population, and, yea, even the world, when I respond: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

The world (excepting one grumbling stick-in-the-mud) is enamored with these lovely sirens of the sea -- marveling at their underwater prowess, admiring their lithe grace and ascetic splendor, gawking at their big, bouncy, aquatic funbags. This well-conceived and timely endeavor filled a void within this community, spread joy throughout Virginia, and certainly does not merit the derision and vitriol of a sneering hatemonkey such as yourself.

In the words of our youth: Mermaids are fly, dawg.

And did I mention that they possess big, bouncy, aquatic funbags that are usually perky and swinging free, and, when clad, are merely covered with coral brassieres or small, gooey strands of seaweed? Because that is certainly relevant to any serious discussion of mermaid folklore.

Nevertheless, in response to the drivel of mouth-breathing cretins such as yourself we have opted to retool the "Mermaids on Parade" extravaganza and gear it more toward the athletic-minded with M.O.P. Mach II: Needlefish on Parade, though, for the life of me, I can't figure why anyone would want a Needlefish delivered directly to his door. Especially since they (with the exception of leftfielder Marino Astacio) are utterly lacking in big, bouncy, aquatic funbags.

Norfolk has, indeed, became Needlefish Nation and this baseball club has captured the hearts of virtually all Norfolkers.

And regarding your baseball analysis, I would like to point out that since your commentary was scribbled (likely with crayon), Needlefish GM, the deity-like and devilishly handsome sordie, has addressed one of the team's shortcomings you highlighted. The teams's Achilles heel, its bullpen, has been girded by the signing of free agent reliever, Shane Prince (a highly rated but underachieving hurler who finally found his groove last year with the perennial powerhouse Oakland franchise). Sordie has also announced that after just a short span of minor league seasoning, the Latin Dynamic Duo of Tony Mercedes and Pedro Crespo shall be promoted to the big league roster.

Sordie also noted that minor league sensation, Josh Mills, may soon be called up to further bolster the already impressive Needlefish rotation.

Now, rather than dwelling on your racist, sexist, misogynistic, and otherwise socially reprehensible display of mermaid prejudice, I would like to end on a positive note and commend you for your insightful and thoroughly enjoyable series of team previews in "The Plumpy Times".

With semi-fond wishes and the semi-sincere hope that your head isn't crushed like a melon encased in the heaving bosom of a top-heavy mermaid,
Chuck U. Farley



Commissioner of the fakest fake baseball league on the planet: Plumpy Rules!!!!111